


Falling Apart

by cowgirl65



Series: Be A Man [13]
Category: The Big Valley
Genre: Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-24
Updated: 2012-05-07
Packaged: 2017-11-04 06:27:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/390795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cowgirl65/pseuds/cowgirl65
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A traumatic event causes Jarrod to doubt his relationship with Dave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own The Big Valley and make no money from this.

Dave rolled the ring in Jarrod’s cock with his tongue before swallowing his lover’s organ completely. Jarrod shuddered and cried out as his semen spurted down Dave’s throat. He whimpered and moaned when Dave didn’t let him go immediately, taking the opportunity to savour his lover as his cock softened and play further with the ring the way he knew Jarrod loved. He didn’t let up until Jarrod was completely limp and then rose to take in the beautiful sight in front of him. 

Jarrod was usually immaculately put together with not a hair out of place and Dave loved looking at him, whether in the courtroom or over dinner. But the sight in front of him was what Dave loved best, his lover sweaty and unkempt, that thick black hair plastered against his forehead, his lips parted by heaving breaths and a sated, sex-glazed expression in those deep blue eyes that Dave knew he had put there.

He looked down and the fact that the lawyer’s thighs were still parted invitingly made Dave’s cock swell further. Dave took advantage of Jarrod’s completely relaxed state and pushed into that welcoming flesh. Jarrod moaned again in pleasure and his eyes caught his lover’s as Dave began thrusting. Dave watched in satisfaction as Jarrod’s cock grew for a second time.

“You gonna cum again for me, lover?” he drawled with a grin.

“Oh, god, Dave, I hope so,” and then Jarrod’s breath hitched as Dave twisted to make sure his cock hit Jarrod’s sweet spot.

“I’ll try to wait for you.” Dave hooked his arms under Jarrod’s knees to get more leverage as Jarrod grabbed his own cock to stroke it and play with the ring that pierced the tip. He had been keeping his rhythm steady, but he had to pause when he saw fluid seep out of the tip of his lover’s cock and watch Jarrod’s long fingers smear it down his length. “Y’know, I only need to see you touch yourself to get off.”

“Don’t you dare stop,” Jarrod said warningly. Dave only grinned and resumed his onslaught. He pounded hard into his lover’s ass and when he saw Jarrod’s cock start to twitch and the creamy fluid spurt out around the ring, he let himself go, fucking Jarrod even more fiercely until he shot his own load deep inside. He held himself in Jarrod’s heat and bent Jarrod almost double when he leaned over to lick the semen off Jarrod’s belly before kissing him avidly.

Jarrod wrapped his arms around Dave as he returned the kiss with equal fervour and Dave moved up to lie beside Jarrod and pull him into his embrace. They held each other close, their passion for one another not diminished by the fact that both men were sexually sated. 

Dave stroked Jarrod’s shoulder. “Wish you didn’t have to go to catch that late train to ‘Frisco.”

Jarrod burrowed his head in the crook of Dave’s neck. “Me too,” he sighed. “But I shouldn’t be long. Maybe a little over a week.”

After another long, lingering kiss, Dave reluctantly entangled himself from Jarrod. “Reckon you’d better get dressed if your gonna make that train.”

He didn’t walk with Jarrod to the train station, much as he wanted to. They lived in a world where how they felt and what they did was forbidden and Dave had to content himself with watching Jarrod’s form disappear down the darkened street.


	2. Chapter 2

Jarrod bid his secretary goodnight and closed the door behind her. Loosening his tie as he walked, he went over to the array of crystal decanters and poured himself a large measure of scotch. A stiff drink might make the bitter taste of defeat a bit easier to swallow.

He’d been torn about taking the case; defending a man charged under California’s sodomy law hit a little too close to home. But he’d never fault a man for the sins he himself was guilty of, so he hadn’t truly hesitated. All through the trial he wondered if the judge would think him a little too impassioned on his client’s behalf, but his reputation for zeal in the courtroom served him well in that regard. Unfortunately, it hadn’t been enough to save his client.

Charles Williams was convicted and summarily sentenced to twenty years in prison for the unthinkable offence of being intimate with another man. Jarrod gulped back his scotch as he remembered disputing the sufficiency of the common-law definition, 'the abominable and detestable crime against nature', and the judge’s response of, “Every person of ordinary intelligence understands what the crime against nature with a human being is.” 

Jarrod hadn’t told his lover the nature of the case before he left Stockton and had no way of knowing if it would be reported in the papers. Even if Dave read about it and asked him, Jarrod didn’t know if he could talk about what happened. He knew he had no reason to feel ashamed; his client had, after all, committed the crime of which he was accused and he had defended Williams to the best of his ability. 

But he was ashamed nonetheless. He was ashamed of a justice system and a society that had no tolerance for those who were different, whether it be Chinese immigrants or men like himself and his client. 

There was a deeper shame as well, the shame of a man who’d been brought up with strong morals and whose private life was in direct contradiction to them. He’d wondered sometimes, deep in the night, whether he was responsible for causing Dave to stray from a normal path. Dave had been married to Daniel’s mother and, from what his son said, it had been a happy marriage. Maybe society was right and his relationship with Dave was an abomination. If he hadn’t come along, maybe Dave would have found another woman to love. 

Jarrod finished his drink and looked at the papers on his desk. Nothing that couldn’t wait until morning and the lawyer decided to go back to his hotel, get a bite to eat and try to get some sleep. He knew his melancholy would vanish as soon as he returned to Stockton in two days’ time; all it would take was one of Dave’s sexy smiles and his doubts would melt away like they always did.

He tucked his discarded tie into his pocket and turned down the gaslights until the only light was that of the streetlamps shining through the window. As he closed the heavy drapes, he heard the door behind him. Before he could turn and see who it was, a hard blow to the back of his head sent him staggering against the wall. He tried to fight back, but the surprise attack incapacitated him enough for the intruder to gain the upper hand. Another heavy blow to the head and Jarrod fell across the desk.

“You think you’re so smart, standing up there in your fine suit with your fine manners,” the intruder growled as he tied Jarrod’s hands tightly behind his back. “Defending a fucking sodomite. Do you have any idea what men like him do?” Jarrod tried to say something, but a dirty rag stuffed in his mouth almost choked him. “Do you?”

The back of Jarrod’s pants were jerked hard enough to make him retch and tear the fabric. He heard the rattle of a belt being unfastened and tried to get away, but the man brought his knee up between Jarrod’s legs and they buckled from the pain.

“I’ll show you what filthy sodomites do.”

Jarrod knew what was going to happen next. The fear from the initial attack had turned to tension and that tension resulted in excruciating pain when he was abruptly penetrated.

“They rape innocents,” the man grunted as he thrust his hard sex viciously into Jarrod’s ass. “Don’t let them become real men.”

Jarrod knew struggling was futile as his attacker’s weight pinned him to the desk, but he couldn’t stop himself. His attempts to break free only resulted in more pain when the man grabbed his hair and slammed his face against the desk.

The assault seemed to go on forever. It wasn’t as if his body hadn’t been brutally used before, but it had always been of his own free will, twisted as those desires might have been. Even his relationship with Dave didn’t always involve softly sensual lovemaking; once in a while it did, but their couplings were rough more often than not. All that should have made the assault more bearable, but it didn’t. His attacker continued on, stabbing into his ass mercilessly while he expounded a litany of obscenities and offences of men who had sex with other men. 

Jarrod wanted to yell out that not all men like his client forced themselves on others, just like most men didn’t go around raping women. He wanted to tell his attacker that he was being just like those he abhorred by committing the same offence. He wanted to say that men were capable of love for each other no less than a man and a woman. But he couldn’t say any of that, not only because of the filthy cloth in his mouth, but because although he loved Dave as much as he’d ever loved anything in his life, he still harboured guilt for being so deviant in the eyes of society and the guilt that he might have corrupted Dave into his aberrant lifestyle.

He didn’t know how long he was bent over his desk and raped with a savage hunger. But finally the man shuddered, pulled out and released Jarrod to let him crumple to the floor.

“Remember this next time before you defend a fucking sodomite.”

Jarrod tried to get up, but as he heard the door close, he couldn’t hold on and passed out.

He woke in a haze of pain. Working his mouth, he was able to spit out the rag and spent several minutes just breathing. His head throbbed and pain shot up his backside and down his legs. He struggled to his knees and leaned against the desk until the room stopped spinning. Using the wood for support, he managed to get his feet under him.

Jarrod fumbled behind his back to open the top drawer, removed the sharp letter opener and sawed through the rope. He nicked himself once or twice, but the strands eventually parted. Hands freed, he stumbled to the cabinet to retrieve his spare set of clothes and changed his pants before he left the office.

He managed to hail a cab and everything was hazy after that. All he knew was that he got to his hotel, got his key from the desk clerk without too many questions and somehow managed to draw a hot bath. Jarrod scrubbed himself raw to remove the traces of blood and semen from his body and curled up tightly on the bed to spend a restless night of half-sleep interrupted by images of violence, of torture and of the sinking feeling he was going to burn in Hell for being who he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jarrod’s case is based in history.
> 
> “People v. Williams was decided Sep. 21, 1881. The exact date of the decision is provided by the Report of the Attorney-General of the State of California 1881-1882, page 56. This probably was the first prosecution for sodomy in the state. A review of the complete set of such reports from statehood reveals no prosecutions prior to this one." from http://www.glapn.org/sodomylaws/sensibilities/california.htm#fn9


	3. Chapter 3

“Well, that about does it for me.” Dave stood and handed the keys to his deputy. “Everything’s in your hands ‘til Monday.” 

Billy grinned. “You know you can count on me, Sheriff.”

“Yep.” Dave retrieved his hat. “Don’t know what I’m gonna do if you get a notion to run for a sheriff’s job of your own someday.”

Chuckling, Billy assured him, “I still got a lot of learning to do from you. Besides, I like Stockton. When I get a notion to run for sheriff, it’s going to be here.”

Dave clapped him on the back. “Reckon I should start saving up for my retirement,” he said with a grin. “Hope it’s a quiet weekend.”

Dave stepped out into the bright California sunshine. He heard a train whistle in the distance and smiled to himself just as a pretty lady walked by and smiled back at him. Dave tipped his hat, pretending the smile was actually meant for her, but it was only for one who should be on that train. He strode purposefully towards the station.

The San Francisco train was still a few minutes out and Dave leaned back against the depot wall. He never could get over the way he felt knowing he was going to see Jarrod, even if it was just a casual handshake in public, even if they’d just seen each other an hour before. Pushing his hat back as the locomotive came into view, he thanked his lucky stars yet again. He’d loved the warmth and generosity that was Daniel’s mother and would have remained faithful to her until the day he died if she hadn’t gone first. But a sheriff lived from day-to-day with an uncertain future and he’d always felt guilty over the possibility he might leave her to raise their son alone.

It was different with Jarrod. He was a strong, successful man and would be able to take care of himself, and Daniel, if the worst happened. It wasn’t as if Jarrod’s life was much more secure, not with the way he sometimes made enemies over the causes he decided to pursue and the prominent nature of his family. Dave knew he’d be devastated if something happened to Jarrod and reckoned it wouldn’t be any different for his lover, but both of them had the tools they needed to go on.

And the love he’d felt for Mary was like the gentle glow of a hearthfire compared to the raging inferno of his passion for Jarrod. He briefly considered that it was the forbidden nature of their relationship that made him feel that way, but just as quickly discarded the notion. He’d lusted after men ever since his first hard-on and he found out early when he was serving in the war that he wasn’t the only one. Only in his deepest dreams had he considered finding the type of love he shared with Jarrod and sometimes he wanted to pinch himself to make sure it was real.

 _Oh, it’s real, all right._ Dave watched the train chuff to a stop. _And you have the weekend off, your son’s away at school, he’s home and once he’s said hello to the family, you can whisk him away and lock yourselves in that secluded cabin until Monday morning._ Dave’s heart beat faster in anticipation as he watched for the familiar form to disembark.

*

Jarrod’s gut clenched as the conductor called out Stockton. He wished he’d taken the private car; the first-class carriage was full and every time someone next to him shifted, he had to force himself not to cringe back into the seat. He also had to endure the suspicious looks of his fellow passengers at his appearance. The altercation in his office had left him with a large abrasion on his forehead and what he figured was a broken nose. Puffy and with two black eyes, he hoped it wouldn’t be left misshapen but he wouldn’t know until the swelling went down. He’d thought up a story about being robbed to explain his injuries and hoped it would ring true.

The train lurched to a stop and he waited until the other passengers had disembarked before standing up. He retrieved his suitcase from the rack overhead, made his way to the door and down the stair only to freeze when he saw the man sauntering over to him with gleaming blue eyes and a wide smile.

 _Please, no._ He wasn’t prepared to see Dave yet. ‘Fucking sodomite’ rang through his head and Jarrod felt as though he was going to be sick.

“Jarrod, what the devil happened to you?”

He tried to smile and shrug it off. “Wrong place, wrong time,” he said. “Nothing to worry about.”

 

“Nothing to worry about?” Jarrod looked awful. Dave wondered if he’d slept at all recently, never mind the obvious signs of a fight. “C’mon, let me take you over to the doc’s.” He reached out to take Jarrod’s case but Jarrod pulled it away.

“I’m fine, Dave. Leave it alone, all right?”

“Jarrod…” Dave hadn’t missed the fact that Jarrod hadn’t yet looked him directly in the eyes and it wasn’t like his lover to be so testy.

“Just leave me alone!” Then Jarrod took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “Sorry, Dave,” he apologized, but his gaze was still elsewhere. “I’m just not feeling myself. I was robbed on the way back from my office the other night. The doctor said I just need some more rest.”

 

It was a lie, but Jarrod had been injured enough times to know that was what a doctor would have said if he’d been to see one. But doctors were able to pry out even more information from patients than a good lawyer could get from a reluctant witness, so he hadn’t sought one out. “I just need to get home and lie down,” he repeated before he made the mistake of looking into Dave’s blue eyes so full of concern. His heart lurched. _Will he even want me if he finds out? And should he really be wanting me at all?_

“Do you want me to drive you home?”

“No, it’s all right.” Jarrod didn’t want to be around anyone, let alone Dave. He didn’t know how he’d hold his family off when he got back to the ranch, but the lonely drive home was all that he wanted right then.

 

Dave didn’t think Jarrod should be alone and wanted to insist that he accompany him home, but something made him stop. Even angry or troubled, Jarrod’s innate charisma usually showed through, but it was painfully absent. It was like something was missing inside or a wall had been thrown up and Dave was at a loss. So he decided to respect his lover’s wishes for the moment. “I’ll come by tomorrow and see how you’re feeling.”

Jarrod started walking towards the livery. “I think I’m just gonna sleep all day, but I’ll come in if something changes.”

Dave watched Jarrod walk away without another word. Something wasn’t right, but he was willing to take Jarrod at face value and see how he was after he’d rested from his injuries.


	4. Chapter 4

Jarrod felt lucky that Dave hadn’t pushed any harder and his luck seemed to still be with him when he arrived home.

“Mr. Jarrod!” Silas exclaimed after Jarrod closed the door. “What happened to you?”

Jarrod tried to smile and make light of his appearance. “Would you believe me if I said I ran into a door?”

Silas eyed him critically. “You going to tell your mother that when she gets home? I doubt she’ll believe you any more than I do.”

A bit of the anxiety in Jarrod’s chest eased. He wouldn’t have to confront her right away if she wasn’t home. “No, probably not. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s nothing serious.” 

“If you’re sure.” Silas still looked doubtful.

Jarrod waved away Silas’ hand when it reached for his case. “I’ll take it myself. I’m going upstairs to rest anyway.”

“I’ll bring you some liniment for your face.” Silas stared Jarrod down and stopped his protest. “If you want me to hold your mother off, you won’t argue with me. Now I can’t say as I’ll be able to keep her from checking on you, but I’ll bring you a plate and tell her you’ve already eaten if you don’t feel like coming down for dinner.”

Jarrod nodded, grateful for his friend’s understanding. “Thank you, Silas.”

“You just be sure you eat some of it,” Silas admonished before heading off to the kitchen.

Jarrod climbed the stairs and closed the door of his room. He eyed the cabinet that held a bottle of scotch, but decided to hold off until Silas had delivered the promised liniment and until he was sure no one would disturb him. He didn’t want to explain to anyone why he was drunk as well as beaten. Numbing himself with alcohol was the only thing he’d found that kept the guilt from overwhelming him and drinking into oblivion was the only way he could sleep and keep the nightmares at bay.

He changed out of his suit and tried to look at some contracts after Silas brought the liniment, a roast beef sandwich and coffee. He decided it wouldn’t hurt to pour a small glass of scotch and was sipping it when the expected tap came on his door.

Straightening his shoulders and putting on his best courtroom face, he invited, “Come in.”

Victoria immediately walked over to him and turned his head to face her. As much as he wanted to pull away, he endured her gentle touch.

“Silas told me you’d been injured.” She dropped her hand. “Have you seen the doctor?”

Jarrod gave her what he hoped was a disarming smile, even though it made his face hurt. “Trust me, it looks worse than it is,” he assured her.

She sat against the edge of his desk. “What happened?”

Knowing he wouldn’t get away with claiming he ran into a door, Jarrod just shrugged and said, “I was robbed. He left me with a broken nose in exchange for my wallet.” He hated lying to her, but what else was he going to say? That he’d been raped and beaten for defending a man with the same sexual preferences that he had? That in the eyes of the law, he was as much a criminal as his attacker? He knew his mother didn’t condemn his relationship with Dave, but it was never discussed either.

Victoria looked over to the plate with the half-eaten sandwich. “I’m sure Silas will save something for you for breakfast if you want to sleep in tomorrow,” she told him gently and kissed his cheek.

He returned the kiss with gratitude, relieved he’d have more time before he had to try and deceive the rest of his family. “Thank you, Mother.”

“Get some rest, dear.” She left with a swish of skirts, shutting the door behind her, and Jarrod picked up his glass. He drained it in one swallow, retrieved the almost full bottle from the cabinet and took it back to the desk. He had two more shots in rapid succession and leaned back. He planned to have enough that he wouldn’t have to think of anything more that evening. 

_He was naked and trussed like a calf ready for slaughter. Not an unfamiliar position for him to be in, but the never-ending parade of faceless men violating him was almost more than he could bear. “Filthy whore” was whispered in his ear as he was viciously raped over and over, “fucking sodomite”. Jarrod tried to protest, tried to call for help, but whenever he opened his mouth, another foul-tasting, unwashed cock was shoved in to choke him._

_He heard a loud yell and terror raced through him when he saw Dave bound spread-eagled across a table. Another faceless man was standing over him and a sharp knife glinted in his hand. The man grabbed Dave’s scrotum as Dave struggled and pulled it up. The knife moved closer and Jarrod finally found he could move._

_Then he was standing over Dave, the castration knife in his grip and his hands covered with blood._

_“Why, Jarrod, why?” came Dave’s anguished plea and Jarrod fell to his knees, sobbing._

_“I never meant to hurt you, Dave. Oh, God, I’m so sorry. So sorry.”_

He woke in a cold sweat, shuddering and retching. Crawling out from under the covers, Jarrod groped for the bottle and gulped down the remains of the scotch. He sat on the bed, trying to regain his breath, trying to banish the image of Dave’s blood on his hands.

But the horrible visions wouldn’t go away. Again and again, he could feel the pain and humiliation of rape, and again and again, heard Dave’s voice as he wielded the knife and took something irreplaceable from his lover.

Even most of a bottle of scotch hadn’t been able to keep the nightmare away this time and his head sunk heavily into his hands. Maybe everyone was right. Maybe he was a crime against nature. His mind travelled back to his earlier thought, that if he hadn’t come along, Dave would have found another woman to love. 

Maybe that was what his dream was telling him, that he had pulled Dave into his sick little world and had harmed someone he loved more than anything. Jarrod suddenly knew he had to give him up. And to do that, he knew he’d have to give up his life in Stockton. There was no way he could go on practicing law in the same town where Dave was sheriff. He was always being asked to throw his hat in the ring and run for office; maybe moving to the capitol and putting his energies into something new would help him cope with the loss of someone so important to him and the necessity of staying away from all those he loved so dearly.

Jarrod eyed the empty bottle, got unsteadily to his feet and went downstairs in search of another.


	5. Chapter 5

Stockton’s sheriff fixed his hat firmly on his head, strode across the street and into the building with the sign “Jarrod Barkley, Attorney at Law” hanging in front. He’d seen the lawyer go in only a few minutes ago and was determined to corner him.  
Dave didn’t bother knocking; he went straight in and closed the door firmly behind him.

“Jarrod.”

He didn’t miss the flicker of panic on Jarrod’s face and a deep uneasiness came over him. He’d seen that look before, in the war, on the faces of men who’d endured too much.

“I’m busy, Dave.” Jarrod bent his head back to the papers on his desk.

But Dave wasn’t deterred. He took off his hat and walked up to the desk. “Heard a rumour around town you’re leaving for Sacramento, gonna run for state senate.” He’d hid his shock when Billy told him that Jarrod was planning to turn over to his practice to an associate and move to Sacramento. Jarrod had always said he was a lawyer, not a politician, and Dave did his best not to feel betrayed that Jarrod hadn’t discussed it with him. Add to that the fact Jarrod had been avoiding him ever since he’d returned from San Francisco and Dave had finally resolved to find out why.

“Heard right.”

Dave waited for more, but when it didn’t come, he lost it. “Dammit, Jarrod, when the devil were you gonna tell me?” He saw Jarrod’s fingers clench around the pen he was holding and regretted his outburst. Something was wrong; he could see it in Jarrod’s posture and on his face. “Talk to me, Jarrod,” he pleaded softly. “Don’t shut me out like this, or at least tell me what’s going on.”

Jarrod took a ragged breath and the rigid set of his shoulders made Dave fight off the urge to gather him into his arms and tell him it would be all right. “It would be bad enough if someone found out about us now,” he stated bluntly. Jarrod looked in Dave’s direction, but not directly at him. “For a man in public office, it would be suicide.” When Jarrod finally looked him in the eye, Dave saw only icy coldness. “I’m sorry, Dave, I just can’t have you in my life anymore.”

The world stood still when Jarrod uttered those words. Dave wanted to scream, to yell, to grab Jarrod by the shoulders and shake some sense into him. But all he felt was a paralyzing numbness at the thought of losing the one person other than his son he loved enough to die for. But if he loved Jarrod enough to die for him, he loved him enough to respect his wishes, at least until he had a chance to think things through and come up with a plan.

“Well, then.” Dave replaced his hat on his head. “Good luck, Jarrod.”

He left the office, headed for the jail and then stopped. Changing direction, he headed for the livery instead. 

*

Jarrod didn’t bother to use one of the whiskey glasses; he just filled a tumbler with the strong liquor and tossed it back. Slumping back in his chair, Jarrod buried his head in his hands and couldn’t stop the harsh sobs from wracking his body. What did he have to live for anymore? He’d purposely driven Dave away. He couldn’t stay in Stockton and that meant giving up the constant presence and love of his family. All he had to look forward to were the cold marble halls of government, assuming he was even elected, and the constant sniping and backbiting that came with them. He knew enough to understand that politics were a cruel and unforgiving mistress. He wouldn’t even be able to go back to a place like that house in San Francisco for release; that would be even more certainly committing political suicide.

Jarrod opened the top drawer of his desk and contemplated the pistol inside. All he had to do was take it out, cock the hammer and squeeze the trigger. He’d considered ending the pain that way more than once, when his father died and again when Beth was murdered. He sighed and firmly closed the drawer. There was no way he could do that to Dave or his family. Better that he should suffer alone than be the cause of so much grief. Instead, he uncorked the bottle again. It wasn’t as permanent, but at least the pain would be gone for a while.

*

Dave rode up to the Barkley ranch with the hope Heath would be around so he could ask Jarrod’s brother if he knew the reason Jarrod was acting like he was. The look in Jarrod’s eyes scared him more than he’d ever been afraid of anything. It brought back memories of the war and, more specifically, one man who never made it out. Dave prayed he could find help to keep Jarrod from the same fate.

But it wasn’t Heath he found ducking his head under the pump, it was Nick. The two men had a wary truce but Dave knew Nick was uncomfortable with the relationship he had with Nick’s brother. The lawman was pretty sure Nick only tolerated him for Jarrod’s sake and would rejoice that Jarrod had ended the relationship. He had half a mind to ride out when the rancher spotted him.

“Dave,” Nick greeted warily. “What brings the sheriff out this way?”

Dismounting, Dave hooked his fingers in his gunbelt. “Not an official visit.”

“Well, Jarrod ain’t here, he’s at his office.”

“I know.” Dave wondered if he should ask Nick what was on his mind.

But Nick surprised the lawman when he beat him to it. “I wonder if I could ask you something,” he said as he stared at nothing in particular. “About Jarrod.”

Dave nodded slowly and decided to admit why he’d come. “I rode out here with that in mind.”

Usually the tall rancher avoided eye contact with his brother’s lover and Dave never held it against him. But for the first time Dave could remember, Nick looked him directly in the eyes. “I’m guessing you don’t have any idea what’s eating him either, then. I thought there might be something up with the two of you that has him planning to hightail it to Sacramento.”

“Nope.” Dave tried to find words that wouldn’t make Nick uncomfortable. “Nothing that I can think of.” He decided not to mention Jarrod calling it quits. “He’s been distant, brushing me off. I’ve tried to think of something I’ve done to make him act like that, but if you’ve noticed it too…”

“He’s been more skittish than an unbroken colt,” Nick said bluntly. “I was hoping he’d confided in you.”

Both men stood in silence, at a loss for what to say next. Then Nick spoke up.

“Can you get some time off?” Dave looked at him in surprise as Nick continued. “Jarrod’s always been real private. I reckon if anyone can get him to open up, it’ll be you. Can’t help if no one knows what’s wrong. Maybe if you take him somewhere where the two of you can be alone, maybe it’ll help.” Nick caught Dave’s surprised expression. “I don’t agree with what the two of you do behind closed doors, but I love my brother and I reckon you do too. I want him to be happy and if I have to tie him up and haul his sorry ass up there myself so you can get him alone and get to the bottom of things, that’s what I’ll do.”

“Thanks, Nick,” Dave managed to say. “That means a lot. I’ll take you up on that offer. Maybe if I get him alone, maybe we can figure things out.”

“Tell you what. You be here at daybreak and we’ll both tie him to the saddle if he won’t listen.” Nick stuck out his hand and Dave shook it gratefully.

“You got it, Nick. I know you don’t approve of me being with Jarrod, but I’d do anything for him, I swear it.”

“I know.”

Dave nodded and Nick handed him the reins after he mounted his horse. “See you tomorrow.”


	6. Chapter 6

Jarrod glared when his brother barged into his room without knocking, but didn’t dignify the intrusion with any sort of acknowledgement and returned his attention to the paper on his desk.

“Okay, Jarrod, time to go.” Nick snatched the pencil out of his brother’s hand.

Jarrod bit back an angry retort, but still snapped, “I’ve got a lot of work to do before I leave. I’m not going anywhere.”

Nick planted both hands on the desk and leaned forward. “Oh, yes you are. All work and no play makes Jarrod a dull boy and you’ve been more uptight than usual.”

Jarrod’s hand clenched angrily. How dare Nick try to tell him how to run his life? He’d been through Hell, given up someone who meant more to him than his own life to try and set things right and Nick was preaching to him? A little part of him reminded that Nick had no idea of what happened and that his brother was just trying to help, but he ignored it. “Leave me alone, Nick.”

“Like Hell I will.” Nick grabbed Jarrod by the shirtfront and hauled him out of the chair. “You’ve been holed up in your room or your office for the past week. You all of a sudden decide to move and go into politics, you’ve hardly been eating and…” Nick took a sniff and wrinkled his nose in disgust. “…you smell like a distillery.”

Jarrod brought his arms up and broke Nick’s hold. “Dammit, why don’t you listen? I said leave me alone!” His head snapped backwards as Nick’s fist collided with his chin and Jarrod fell back into the chair.

“You can make this easy or you can make this hard,” Nick informed him. “I’m prepared to drag you out of here and hogtie you to Jingo’s back if I have to.”

Jarrod shook his head to clear it. His first instinct was to get up and hit back, but then he wondered why he should even bother. It would be easier to go along and humour his brother. Surely he’d be able to put on a good face for an afternoon of fishing or whatever else Nick had in mind.

“All right, Nick. You win.” He pushed himself to his feet. “Lead the way.”

“That’s more like it.” Nick strode out of Jarrod’s room, down the stairs and outside with Jarrod reluctantly following.

The lawyer froze. Jingo was already saddled with a bedroll and full saddlebag attached and Dave was mounted beside on his own horse, holding the sorrel’s reins.

“Jarrod.” Dave’s face was grim and his blue eyes were like steel.

Jarrod’s mouth grew dry and his stomach tightened. Nick grabbed his arm to stop him from bolting.

“Are you gonna come peacefully?” When Jarrod didn’t respond, Dave added, “I don’t reckon the sheriff should aid and abet a kidnapping, but that’s what I’ll do if it’s the only way to get you alone and figure out what’s going on in that thick skull of yours.”

Jarrod wanted to run. He wanted to fight his way free of Nick’s grasp, away from Dave’s eyes that seemed to bore right into his soul, away from the nightmares that seemed to come whenever they wanted.

“I told you I was willing to hogtie you to that saddle,” Nick reminded him.

Jarrod looked from one unyielding face to the other and suddenly got angry. “Fine,” he snarled. “I don’t know what the two of you are trying to prove, but fine.” He stalked over to his horse, tore the reins from Dave’s hand and swung into the saddle. Kicking Jingo sharply, he sent the sorrel into a gallop without looking back. Jarrod could hear the hoofbeats of Dave’s buckskin behind him, but didn’t bother to turn around.

They rode in silence until the horses started to tire.

“You got a destination in mind?”

Jarrod slowed Jingo to a walk. “Does it matter?” he asked bitterly. “It’s not like I have any say in all of this.”

“Just like I had a say when you called it quits?”

Jarrod cringed at the pain in the soft drawl and finally looked over, but Dave was looking straight ahead. He’d already given Dave a reason, but it seemed like he didn’t believe Jarrod’s lie any more than Silas believed the story about the door. “Dave, I…” He hadn’t been able to tell the truth before and wasn’t sure he could now either. “I don’t know how else to explain,” he finished.

Dave grabbled Jingo’s bridle and hauled him to a stop. He dismounted, came over and dragged Jarrod out of the saddle. “Then try, dammit!” he yelled in Jarrod’s s face as he gripped his shoulders tightly. “Five years together, I think I deserve more than ‘I just can’t have you in my life anymore’!” He shoved Jarrod against Jingo before turning away.

He only took a few steps before he turned back. “I love you, Jarrod, more than I’ve ever loved anything except my son.” The pain in Dave’s eyes went straight through Jarrod. “Love you enough to let you go if that’s what you really want, but I need to know why. I think I deserve at least that much.”

Jarrod couldn’t face him anymore and turned away to clutch the saddlehorn. “I’m tainted, Dave,” he finally managed, “and I’ve tainted you, too. I convinced myself otherwise for so long but…” His voice caught in his throat as the memory of being bent over his desk and raped threatened to overwhelm him. He remembered every word that his attacker said and they reverberated in his head. _Fucking sodomite._ “I love you enough to walk away and let you have a normal life.”

 

Dave was stunned. Every moment of the past five years since he’d found Jarrod replayed in his mind as he tried to think of anything he’d done to give Jarrod the impression that he had any doubts about their relationship. He came up empty.

“I kissed you first.” Dave walked up behind Jarrod and gently but firmly gripped his upper arms. “Back in the sheriff’s office in Rimfire when we were helping Wong Lo.” He brushed his lips across the back of Jarrod’s neck. “And I seem to recall making the first move that night.” He felt Jarrod shudder as he wrapped his arms around his chest. “You weren’t the first man in my life but I’ll be dammed if you aren’t the last.”

Jarrod was trembling in his arms and Dave knew it wasn’t from overwhelming passion. Something happened in San Francisco that had left his lover beaten and battered not just physically, but emotionally as well, and it wasn’t from just being robbed. “I can’t make you tell me what happened,” he murmured in Jarrod’s ear, “and I can’t make you take me back. Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t want me anymore and I’ll walk away without another word.”

Jarrod stared to shake with repressed sobs and Dave turned him to pull him tight to his chest. He didn’t know how long they stood there, but eventually Jarrod relaxed into his arms and Dave was relieved he didn’t try to pull away. Loosening his grip, Dave softly kissed the tears off Jarrod’s cheeks. “Why don’t we make camp here?” he suggested. “We can talk after we eat something as long as you promise not to run away.” Jarrod nodded.

It wasn’t ideal, but they were amongst some large rocks in a stand of trees and Dave heard a stream not too far away. Nothing was said as they unsaddled the horses, nothing needed to be. They divided up the camp chores in unspoken agreement and soon Dave was dishing out the meal he’d prepared over the fire.

“That bad?” he asked Jarrod after watching the other man push his food around his plate for a few minutes without tasting it.

 

“What?” Jarrod looked up and it took a few minutes for the words to register. “No, it’s fine.” He took a bite to make Dave happy. Dave continued to watch him like a hawk and Jarrod ate a bit more under his gaze before setting the plate down. “Guess I’m just not hungry.”

Dave stared into the flames. “Did you see much action during the war? We’ve never really talked about it.” 

Jarrod wondered why Dave was asking. He knew from Daniel that Dave had received the Medal of Honour, but he’d never asked and Dave hadn’t volunteered to talk about it until now. “A bit. I was stationed in Washington for most of it, but I was in the fighting around Richmond.”

“My unit was at Fredericksburg. Marye’s Heights.” Dave was silent for a moment and Jarrod remembered the reports from that ill-fated battle. That day the Union army lost more than 8 000 men due to Confederate soldiers entrenched behind the stone wall. “We watched our companions cut down by enemy fire and then had to just leave them lying there. I can still hear the cries for help sometimes.” Dave caught Jarrod’s gaze. “I had a buddy, my tentmate.” The corner of his mouth lifted a bit. “I have to be honest, we shared more than the tent.” Dave stared at the flames again. “A few days after the battle was over, a sniper got one of the others in our unit right in front of Pete. I think that might have been one thing too much for him to handle. He stopped eating, just like you. He shut everyone out, just like you. And one night, I heard a shot not far from camp. When I went to check it out, I found Pete, gun in his hand. He’d blown the back of his head clean off.” Dave dragged a hand across his face. “I don’t know what I’d do if you did the same.”

Jarrod stared down at his hands. “I’ve thought about it,” he admitted, “more than once since my father was killed. But you don’t have to worry.” He looked up at Dave. “I decided a long time ago that it didn’t matter how much pain I was feeling, I couldn’t do that to my family.”

Dave let out a sigh and Jarrod realized how much worry he’d caused. “I’m sorry, Dave,” he whispered.

Dave moved closer and gripped Jarrod’s hands “You aren’t tainted, Jarrod, and I know I’m a better man for having you in my life. You don’t need to tell me about it, but let me be here for you. Let me love you.”

The walls Jarrod had tried to build crumbled as Dave leaned over and took his mouth in a sensual kiss. When the kiss ended, Jarrod rested his forehead against Dave’s. He closed his eyes tightly as he confessed, “I wasn’t robbed. I was… I was raped. After my client was found guilt of sodomy, I don’t know if you read about it. He said he was punishing me for the sins of the man who must have raped him.”

 

Dave didn’t know what to say or even if there was anything he could say. He just continued to hold Jarrod close.

“A crime against nature,” Jarrod continued, “that’s what everyone calls it, the law, society…”

“Not your family,” Dave reminded him. “Nick was the one who insisted I had to get you alone and helped me do it. And not Daniel, either.” Jarrod looked up at him in shock. “My boy’s smart. Reckon it was hard for him not to notice, no matter how careful we were.” Dave smiled. “He talked to me before he left for college. Made me promise we’d look after each other, since he wasn’t going to be there to do it for us.” He was happy to feel tension drain from Jarrod. “And sometimes the law and society ain’t right. Slave owners used the Bible to justify their view that Negroes weren’t people like the rest of us and you and I should know better than anyone how the State feels about the Chinese. Are we that much different?”

“Dave, I’ve acted horribly…” Jarrod began and Dave cut him off with another kiss.

“You’ve acted like someone who’s had horrible things done to him,” Dave corrected. “You’re one of the toughest men I know, Jarrod. Most would be reduced to gibbering idiots by now.” Jarrod chuckled at that and Dave added slyly, “But I’d like you to reduce me to one.” He knew Jarrod took things to heart and it was easy for his lover to feel guilty over things that he had no control over. What happened to Jarrod was horrific, but Dave intended to make him see how much he was loved and needed.

Anxiety flitted across Jarrod’s face. Dave leaned over and kissed him tenderly. “You know I won’t ask you to do anything you don’t want to,” he said softly, “and I’d never do anything to you that you didn’t agree to. But if you did want to…” Dave’s mouth sought Jarrod’s and when Jarrod responded with the intensity of a starving man, Dave reached around to pull him tight. Jarrod was rarely the aggressor in their lovemaking and that generally suited Dave, but that didn’t mean he didn’t want to be on the receiving end from time to time. And Jarrod needed to know that Dave knew exactly what he was doing. “I want you in me, lover,” he murmured in Jarrod’s ear. “But only if you’re up for it.”

 

Jarrod looked into Dave’s eyes and saw the hunger they didn’t bother to conceal. “Are you sure…?”

“Do I ever suggest anything if I’m not?”

Jarrod trembled as Dave unbuttoned his shirt to run his fingers across his chest. He didn’t understand why he was so anxious until Dave told him, “I want this, Jarrod. I want you. You don’t have to worry about hurting me or that this isn’t what I choose on my own.” Jarrod almost collapsed with relief as Dave took his hand and guided it to his crotch and the unmistakable hardness there.

He’d never forced Dave into anything, he realized with a touch of shame at his hubris in believing he’d coerced the other man into loving him. “I don’t deserve you,” Jarrod whispered as Dave’s hand left his to finish removing his shirt and start on his pants. He palmed Dave’s shaft through his trousers, inhaling sharply when his cock was released and Dave started rolling the ring between his fingers.

Jarrod managed to remove his pants and boots the rest of the way before divesting Dave of his clothing. Bodies plastered together, their mouths sought each other eagerly and Dave manoeuvred Jarrod until he felt his back against one of the saddles. Dave’s lips left his and he flashed a sexy smile.

“Reckon I should get you ready for the main event.” Bending over, Dave took Jarrod’s cock in his mouth and sucked greedily. He reached back to finger Jarrod’s ass at the same time. Jarrod twined his fingers in Dave’s hair and absorbed the pleasure he was being given. Nothing had ever felt so right as being with Dave and he was fortunate Dave cared enough not to let him throw it all away.

Dave pulled on the ring with his lips as he let Jarrod go and moved up to straddle his legs. Jarrod held Dave’s hips to steady him while Dave held Jarrod’s cock firmly as he slowly lowered himself down.

The pierced tip slid easily into Dave and Jarrod groaned with the pressure from the ring inside his penis and the tightness of Dave’s ass. He watched, mesmerized, as his shaft disappeared inside his lover.

“Damn, Dave,” he muttered when he was fully sheathed in Dave’s hot flesh.

Dave just gave him another of those smiles, put his hands on Jarrod’s shoulders and began to ride him. Jarrod tried to match his thrusts to Dave’s movements.

“I love you, Jarrod,” Dave moaned as their momentum built, “I love filling you and I love being filled by you.” Then he gasped as Jarrod shifted his hips. “And damn, that pierced cock of yours stroking me is heaven.” Jarrod watched Dave’s cock swell even larger. He slid a hand around to grasp the engorged shaft as it started to pulse.

“Jarrroddd,” Dave groaned as he drove himself hard onto Jarrod’s cock and his semen shot out hard enough to splatter across Jarrod’s face.

The sight and feel of Dave’s cum and the contractions of Dave’s ass squeezing his cock pushed Jarrod over the edge and his seed spewed into his lover.

Dave didn’t move off. He held himself tightly on Jarrod’s lap, keeping his cock firmly inside as he leaved over and kissed the semen off Jarrod’s face. “Don’t ever doubt how good we are together,” he murmured. 

“I promise, Dave.”

“Good.” Dave kissed Jarrod again before rising to his feet. They unrolled their blankets and didn’t bother putting any clothes back on before crawling underneath. The shared heat of their bodies would be enough to keep them warm.

“Y’know, maybe I should make sure you don’t ever try leaving me again,” Dave mused, his lips caressing Jarrod’s neck. “You were planning to disappear off to Sacramento. Do you think anyone would notice if I just took you off somewhere instead, tied you up and kept you for myself?” His hand slid down Jarrod’s hip. “Or maybe a brand right here so you never forget you’re mine. A ‘B’ that anyone who sees it will think is ‘Barkley’, but you’d know that it stood for ‘Barrett’.”

Jarrod felt himself becoming aroused again as Dave murmured increasingly erotic suggestions into his ear while his hand continued to stroke him. and he wondered if all the other men he’d been with were just a prelude so they could be together. Dave was right; the law had unfairly judged those who were different before. Maybe someday men wouldn’t be judged harshly due to those differences. Maybe someday they could show the world how much they meant to each other, but until then, Jarrod vowed he would hold on to what he and Dave shared and never let go.


End file.
